I’ve never been comfortable with the term “victim.”
I’ve never seen myself as a victim. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen myself as anything really. When it all came together for me, it was like a flood. It was like bits of old 8mm film that had been disjointed and now it all showed in one piece. That was the first time I was even tempted to use a term at all.
Before that all the pieces lay separately. On their own I knew they weren’t right. My wife would tell me that any one of them would count as horrendous abuse. But I didn’t get it. I didn’t feel it. For me it was just my life. It was the life I had, the only life I’d ever known.
But the day they all came together changed everything for me. In that moment, I remember sitting devastated, sobbing helpless in my back yard as it played over and over again. All the images, the memories, the film that was my childhood.
What I cried for wasn’t me the man, but the boy I had been….and what grieved me? Not so much what was done…but how could a mother and a father be so committed to the destruction of one they were supposed to care for.
Even then, I didn’t see my now-self as a victim, and I didn’t see my then-self as a victim. I just wept for what was done to a little boy who had no way to fight back….it is that feeling of injustice that still drives me.
2 Comments
MaxiLeigh
August 12, 2013 at 3:37 pmI have never been comfortable with the word victim also. I was a child whose mother left her 3 children. My son reminded me saying “mother’ you were abandoned, put into foster care to be protected and cared for. Three lost children who did not have a voice.
Did they both get confused with their duties? Did they not understand the word ” To Protect” ! What makes it worse, she was my biological aunt…. sister to my father, who she looked after as a child, as their mother had left them when my father was a baby
Unfortunately I was still being abused until I was 26yrs old having an abortion and further miscarriage to that vile man.
I have cried many a river believe me for my lost child. My little girl comes out to play now because she’s free; those around me and in my life are full of joy when she comes out to play!
Today I am reborn, in control am grounded, aware and have many boundaries in place. Gone is the darkness, in place is such brightness, peace tranquillity as well as love.
I was not a victim, I was a child who was robbed of her childhood by two grown up adults who were very confused about their responsibilities as foster parent’s!
Today I public speak and Chairman for a Charity that supports female survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I am making change if someone feels uncomfortable about “The Conversation” I cannot help that!
I have a voice, just listen, do not judge me by your lack of understanding, do not feel uncomfortable about ” the unspoken word”
Childhood sexual abuse.
I AM A SURVIVOR! many times over….. those of us who have survived have grown, become empowered beyond their wildest dreams, we are survivors very pleased to meet you.
MaxiLeigh
theAuthor
July 30, 2014 at 4:21 amThanks Maxi. Ive added more work to my piniterest account. I’m trying to get it all over to here